Remembering pain

Pain is interesting to think about. As someone who suppresses most emotions, I don’t usually feel physical or emotional pain; neither do I remember pain. It takes me two days to realize that I’m sick. A couple of years ago, I was depressed for months before someone told me I was and that I should probably talk to a therapist-I had no idea until I was told.

Being unable to remember past pain leads to repeating patterns of behavior that lead to painful situations. It’s a kind of insanity, really.

When it comes to emotions, the only way out is through. Suppressing pain leads to lack of awareness, which leads to subconscious anger and bitterness, which in turn lead to frustration and negativity expressed in thoughts and behaviors.

Sometimes, when I express my thoughts out loud to people, I am told that I am being very negative. It is at this point that I realize, I have subconscious pain that I have not dealt with. I do not realize that I am being negative until I am told so-that’s how disconnected I am from my emotions.

It is painful to realize that I am causing others discomfort by talking about my pain. It is easy to let that thought lead me down the road of self-pity. “Woe is me, no one cares about me, yada yada.”

I have heard of cry-routines that worked for other people-I might try that; the thing about cry-routines is that I get distracted by other things and forget about committing to the cry-I will need to work on that.

As an alternative, I can journal and try to process my emotions on my own or I can pay someone to help me process and give me honest feedback. The alternative seems like the way to go.